Tears I Refuse to Shed
by Madam Malia
Summary: How do you catch a friend from falling when they don't want to be saved? Currently one-sided Lavi/Kanda and one-sided Allen/Kanda with references to Tyki/Kanda ChallengeFic, D/s, H/C, Humil, Language, M/M, Yaoi
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: _I don't own D.Gray-man. All characters and anything else I've taken from DGM belong to Katsura Hoshino

_Disclaimer #2:_ I also do not own "Running Blood" by mayunleashed.

_Warnings: _This is a sequel I wrote in response to the challenge!fic, "Running Blood" by mayunleashed . If you wish to read said challenge!fic, follow this link:

http (colon-double-slash) community (dot) livejournal (dot) com (slash) dgrayman (slash) 137015 (dot) html

(Apologies. Fanfiction won't let me actually paste a link...either that, or I'm just too new at this. :P)

But be forewarned. The original fic is graphic. If you would like to read my story without having to read the original here is a very brief summary: Tyki captures Kanda after injuring him in battle and using the poison from the Tease, not only rapes Kanda, but makes Kanda submissive...makes Kanda _want it_. Allen and Lavi find Kanda after the fact and although it's obvious to both of them that Tyki had captured Kanda, neither of them know exactly what happened to him.

My story picks up from there.

Enjoy.

* * *

The trip back to headquarters was becoming hell for Kanda. While the first few days of the journey back had been uneventful, he had started to notice slight changes around the fourth day of their journey. Allen had been his usual talkative, chipper and annoying self, and although Lavi was uncharacteristically quiet, even now, Kanda didn't bother himself with it.

Slowly, however, things started to change. Every time Allen or Lavi tried to reach out for him, he would instinctively pull away, sending his usual glare as a deterrent. He just didn't want them _touching_ him. But every time this happened, Allen and Lavi would exchange a look that always made Kanda want to punch them in the face, _hard_. When it was his turn to go out on patrol, Allen would start voicing his concerns about how _he_ should go along with Kanda.

"_As if I can't handle it myself."_

Lavi would just wave Allen's worries aside, forcing a smile on his face—and this time, those forced smiles were _obviously _forced, not the half-fake smiles, the ones that Kanda could never tell if they were real or not. To top it all off, Kanda had noticed the way Allen would pull Lavi aside—or visa versa—to discuss who-knows-what, out of Kanda's range of hearing. Being indifferent to what others had to say, Kanda never paid much attention to these little conversations. At least, not at first. But these little conversations were starting to become more frequent, and after every one, Allen seemed to be getting more and more obsessed with _his_ well-being. The stupid bean sprout wouldn't stop fretting over him. Allen would worry and complain if he left Allen's sight for more than a few minutes at a time and would freak out if he was gone for more than five minutes. To top it off, Allen kept insisting they stop whenever it got dark, saying they needed the rest. So instead of being back at the Order and already assigned to another mission-_one that did NOT include that stupid bean sprout OR that dumb rabbit_-they were still only half of the way there. It was grating on his nerves and at the rate things were going, he just knew that it would only be by some miracle that Allen would make it back to the Order in one piece.

But what was more unsettling than Allen's mother-hen complex and constant whining was Lavi's silence. True, Lavi had been uncharacteristically quiet ever since Kanda had joined up with them again, but he had just ignored it. Lavi had his moments when that stupid happy-go-lucky façade would fall…but they were becoming more frequent. And it was during those times that Kanda had to remind himself that the person he was looking at _was_ Lavi. It was becoming more and more apparent…and more and more unnerving. The knowing glances Kanda would catch when he would jerk away from Allen's touch_…from anyone's touch_. The way Lavi would just stare at him when he thought Kanda wasn't looking. The strategically-placed one- or two-word phrases Lavi would utter that would immediately change the topic of the conversation away from the one thing Kanda didn't want to discuss.

He growled under his breath.

It angered him. No, it _infuriated_ him. He didn't want that stupid bean sprout worrying and whining about his well-being. He didn't want sympathy, least of all from that dumb rabbit. He hadn't asked for anyone's help before, so he damn-well wasn't going to start asking for it now.

But most of all, he didn't want anyone knowing. Knowing what had happened in that dark hotel room. Knowing what that Noah had done to him, what that Noah had _made_ him do. Knowing how easily he had broken. Knowing that even while he hated that Noah for everything that happened, he hated himself even more…for even though he hated every action he had made, every sound that passed through his lips, he had never felt more alive, had never felt such feelings course through him in his life.

It excited him.

...and yet at the same time…

..._it frightened him_…

Even now, the mere thought of the events that took place over a week ago caused so many emotions to flare up inside of him…

—_fear, want, anger, need, helplessness, lust, __**rage**_—

Pain suddenly spiked up his right arm, most of the pain focused on his fist. Doing his best to control his breathing, Kanda pulled his fist away from the brick wall he had just brutally punched, ignoring the blood dripping off his knuckles and the stares he was receiving from the locals passing by him. He regained composure before turning and heading back to the hotel they were currently staying in, refusing to acknowledge the worried and frightened glances being thrown his direction.


	2. Chapter 2

"He's hiding something."

Lavi looked up from the book he was reading, raising an eyebrow as he watched Allen stare out the window of the second-story room to watch the streets below.

"Who's hiding something?"

Allen turned from where he stood at the window to look down at Lavi with a pointed expression, his usual poker-face smile gone, voice void of its usual innocent charm.

"You know who I'm talking about, Lavi. We've been talking about this for _days_ now. Something _happened_ when he was with Tyki…I _know_. I know what Tyki's capable of and he wouldn't have let Kanda live…he wouldn't have let Kanda _go_ so easily," Allen raised his hand to stop Lavi, seeing that Lavi was about to interrupt, "And yes, I _know_…this is Kanda. Strong, rude…impossible Kanda. He wouldn't confide in us, in _anyone_…even if his life depended on it."

Lavi just blinked at Allen before pulling himself to a sitting position on the bed. Looking back up at Allen slowly, he let out a deep sigh.

"Yup, that's Yu," Lavi replied, "So what do ya intend to do, Allen? 'Cause you and I both know he's not going to tell us. He's not going to tell anyone. He'll keep his word and kill that Noah the next time they meet, and that'll be the end of that."

Allen's eyes narrowed as he looked down at Lavi before he looked back out the window. Stifling a bitter laugh, he watched as the people of the village milled about in the streets below, oblivious of the war that could possibly carry them and everything they ever held dear away.

"My master is renowned for his ability to draw women in," Allen stated distantly, "Don't get me wrong. He was never cruel to any of them. He's quite the gentleman…well, when he wants to be."

"Allen," Lavi frowned, "I don't really get where…"

"I'm not finished, Lavi," Allen suddenly interrupted, turning his gaze back to Lavi.

The look on Allen's face made Lavi completely forget what he was going to say. All he could do was stare, not certain how he felt about seeing those eyes filled with emotions that he would never expect to see in the eyes of someone as young as Allen.

Satisfied that Lavi would not interrupt him again, Allen turned away and looked back down at the streets below.

"Before Cross saved me…before Mana found me, I was alone…by myself. I don't remember much of my time before I was with Mana, but there are certain things that just burn their way into your memory so that you can never forget…no matter how hard you try," Allen suddenly eyed Lavi, a sad smile on his face. "Wouldn't you agree, Lavi?"

Lavi blinked at first, about to respond with a non-committal comment when his mind provided him with memories he hadn't thought about in a long time…

"_Your eyes are like glass balls."_

Lavi quickly looked away from Allen, eye wide as images of what happened not more than a few years ago-_images of Doug_-flooded his mind. Taking a deep breath, Lavi turned his gaze back up to meet Allen's, his smile mirroring that of the younger exorcist.

"Yeah…I guess."

"You're a Bookman…or you will be one day," Allen stated as he turned to face Lavi, the smile falling from his face. "With all the knowledge you have to retain…memorize, you have to be a lot smarter than you like to let the rest of us believe."

"Uh…Allen…you're losing me again…," Lavi stated as he started to frown again.

"Having lived among the outcasts of society for a large portion of my life, I've seen a lot of things most people my age probably should never see until they're older…if ever," Allen bit out as he narrowed his eyes, ignoring the way Lavi's gaze turned from confused to worried, "I know I'm not the smartest person out there, but I _know_ what Tyki did to Kanda…I've seen it before…both when I was on my own and when I was with my master. The look Kanda gets in his eyes sometimes ever since he was kidnapped…I've seen that _look_ in the eyes of others I would see on the street…in the eyes of some of the women my master would care for…"

All Lavi could do was stare at Allen. He knew the look Allen was talking about. He, too, had seen it before. Even though he knew that as the future Bookman he shouldn't let something like this get to him, seeing that haunted look now reflected in Kanda's normally fiery steel-blue eyes was unnerving at best.

But with Allen also recognizing that look…

He wasn't sure which was more disturbing…

Realizing Allen wasn't going to say anymore, Lavi took the opportunity to stand. Smiling sadly at Allen, Lavi walked up to the window, his gaze now being the one focused on the streets below. Lavi just stood there for a moment, watching-_just like a Bookman should_-before letting out a heavy sigh.

"Even if you're right, Allen," Lavi countered as he turned back to lock gazes with the younger exorcist, "What do you suggest we do about it? Yu will never confide in anyone. You said so yourself. Any time you've tried to verbally console him or show him you're worried, he's lashed out verbally. Any time you've tried to touch him, he's lashed out physically."

Lavi let out a frustrated sigh, running his fingers through his hair before turning back and facing Allen.

"Honestly, Allen, what can we do?" the red-head questioned, his voice laced with frustration, "We've been over and over how to confront him about what happened and we've gotten nowhere. Whether we know what happened or not, he's not going to open up about it. He's got so many walls built up around himself…"

"Are you telling me to just drop it and pretend I don't _know_, Lavi?" Allen practically hissed as he looked up at Lavi incredulously, desperation starting to show on his face, "I've SEEN what this kind of thing can DO to a person. I never want to see that happen again, least of all to Kanda!"

"See what happen to me, bean sprout?"

Lavi and Allen both started at the voice that came from the doorway to their room. They both turned simultaneously to see Kanda standing in the doorway, eyebrow raised in obvious irritation. Lavi just stared, wide-eyed at Kanda, not sure what to say, while Allen opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted before he could even get a word out.

"Actually, keep it to yourself," Kanda huffed as he turned away, immediately unhooking Mugen from his side and placing it by his bed. As he started to slip his coat off, he turned to see that the two other exorcists in the room were still staring at him. His eyes narrowed as he practically growled. "_What?"_

Allen turned as if to move towards Kanda, obviously wanting to talk about what he had been discussing with Lavi not moments before. But before he could even take a single step, he felt a hand on his shoulder, halting his movements. Turning to look at Lavi, Allen glared up at the older exorcist, wanting nothing more than to scream in frustration. Lavi simply met Allen's gaze before looking back at Kanda, that smile of his back in place.

"It's nothin', Yu," Lavi replied playfully, ignoring the way a vein in Kanda's forehead seemed to pulse at the mention of his first name.

Allen yanked away from Lavi's touch at those words, glaring incredulously. He opened his mouth to try and counter Lavi's statement but was interrupted yet again.

"Aaah…it's late," Lavi said through a yawn as he motioned to the window where the last of the sun's light was streaming in. "I say we get some rest before starting out again tomorrow morning."

With those words, Lavi turned and headed back over to his bed, plopping down on it, not even bothering to remove his exorcist jacket or his boots. All Allen could do was stare at Lavi, eyes wide. He just couldn't understand why Lavi was ignoring this. It was obvious that Lavi figured out what had happened to Kanda during his…absence. It was obvious by the Lavi's actions, Lavi's words…how he helped Kanda dodge the topic, how he would look at Kanda when the Japanese exorcist would jerk away from the touch of others.

Letting out a frustrated sigh, Allen turned his gaze back to Kanda, who had already slipped out of his jacket and was currently leaning over the bed to blow out the candle on the night stand. Not wanting to go to sleep with this still hanging over their heads but knowing full well that neither Lavi nor Kanda were up to talking about it, Allen just hung his head in defeat. He then turned to his own bed, collapsing upon it and turning his back to the other two exorcists, gaze focused on the wall in front of him as he heard the springs of Kanda's bed creak with his added weight and Lavi's soft snores fill the room. Worry and frustration filling his thoughts, Allen knew that sleep wouldn't come easily to him tonight.


	3. Chapter 3

Kanda had ignored the heated voices he had heard from down the hall as he made his way up the stairs to the hotel room he was sharing with the other two exorcists. He was never interested in what those two had to say to him when they were speaking to his face, so he most definitely had no interest in what they said when he wasn't present. As he came closer to the door near the end of the hall from which the heated voices were coming from, the words became clearer, and Kanda couldn't help the frown that began to tug at his the corner of his lips…nor the sinking feeling that started to eat away at his stomach.

"...so many walls built up around himself…"

Kanda's frown deepened. He hadn't heard Lavi sound so serious in a long time. The dumb rabbit was always acting the part of a playful, idiotic nuisance.

"Are you telling me to just drop it and pretend I don't _know_, Lavi?"

Kanda found himself frozen where he stood, hand poised to take hold of the door knob and turn it. The tone of Allen's voice was bitter, cold and angry…if not a little desperate. Just like with Lavi, Kanda hadn't heard that tone of voice from Allen in a long time…

..._not since the very first mission Kanda ever went on with Allen…_

...but that wasn't what unnerved Kanda. It was what the bean sprout had _said_. Didn't know what? What could Allen be so upset about? While Kanda normally could care less about what others said, he had a very bad feeling about where this conversation was going.

"I've SEEN what this kind of thing can DO to a person. I never want to see that happen again, least of all to Kanda!"

That was it. Kanda's mind barely had the chance to catch up with his body's actions. The next thing Kanda knew, he had opened the door and was standing in the doorway, eyebrow raised in irritation, glaring at the other two exorcists who stood near the large window at the other side of the room.

The words left his mouth before he even thought to stop himself.

"See what happen to me, bean sprout?"

He hadn't meant to ask that question. Hell, he didn't even want to know what they were talking about. He didn't want to think on the meaning behind the last part of the conversation he had heard. Despite his calm demeanor, he could just feel his heart beat racing as the panic of having anyone know about his…humiliation started to suffocate him. Seeing Allen turn as if to answer, Kanda immediately turned away, interrupting the younger exorcist before he could respond.

"Actually, keep it to yourself," Kanda found himself saying.

Not wanting to deal with the bean sprout's constant bickering or the dumb rabbit's unsettling stares, Kanda busied himself with un-hooking Mugen from the belt around his waist. Just as he began to take his jacket off, he realized that they were both still staring at him. Turning his glare on full-force, Kanda turned and locked his gaze on the other two. Tired and annoyed, he found himself practically growling.

"_What?"_

Kanda could feel his blood start to run cold as he saw Allen take a step forward as if to answer him. He almost felt a twinge of anticipation—_not anticipation…fear_—but that feeling was immediately snuffed out when Lavi placed his hand on Allen's shoulder, saying it was nothing. Although the use of his first name still set him on edge, Kanda didn't lash out like he normally did. He was too tired, both physically and emotionally, to deal with this.

Kanda didn't even bother paying attention to the other two exorcists, barely registering when Lavi said something about getting some rest. He just shrugged his coat off mechanically, the tail-end of the conversation that he caught earlier running through his head over and over again.

The implications that those few words held…

The way both Allen and Lavi had looked at him when he had entered the room…

Kanda could feel his hands starting to shake as he leaned over to blow the candle out that sat on his nightstand. Gritting his teeth and cursing silently under his breath, he forced his nerves to calm. Not bothering to remove the rest of his clothes or his boots—a habit formed from dealing with unsuspected akuma attacks in the middle of the night—Kanda laid down on the bed. He simply stared at the ceiling as Lavi's gentle snores and Allen's steady breathing started to fill the room, knowing that as exhausted as he was, he wasn't sure if he wanted to fall asleep.

As soon as that thought passed through his mind, Kanda scoffed quietly to himself, turning on his side. His lip almost curled into a sneer as he mentally berated himself for _being afraid_ of the dreams—no, not dreams…_nightmares_—that had been plaguing him every night for the past week.

Closing his eyes, Kanda forced himself to calm once more before finally drifting off into a fitful sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

First, I'm gonna respond to some reviews (because while I have responded to all the _signed_ reviews this is the only way I can respond to the anonymous reviews).

Lalal: blush Thank you for the review. I'm glad you remember me. And I'll try to continue this.

melric: Thank you for the review. And yes, I'm trying to keep Kanda in character as much as possible. Forgive me if I don't keep any of the other characters IC. And like I told Lalal, I'll try to continue this. I've had writer's block on it for a while but I'll see what I can do about actually finishing it. Wish me luck.

Now, on to the story.

* * *

_Echoed and distorted voices…_

_A bed in a dark room, light—moonlight or sunlight?—streaming in through the windows…_

_Dull, aching pain and unwanted—wanted—indescribable pleasure…_

_Dark, beautiful, transparent wings with fangs and poison…_

_Large, powerful hands caressing, massaging…sculpting…_

_Passionate kisses, desperate moans…_

_Humiliated tears…_

_Tyki Mikk…_

Kanda awoke with a start and a cry that he was barely able to stop before it erupted from his throat. He was covered in sweat, his breathing labored, his hair down, having fallen out of its tie during the course of his tossing and turnings. Disorientated and still not fully awake, Kanda frantically turned his head from side to side, trying to figure out where he was.

The moonlight streaming in through the open window wasn't enough light to illuminate the large hotel room, and Kanda found himself straining to try and make out the room. Just as his vision was starting to adjust to the darkness, Kanda realized there was someone sitting on his bed, leaning over him. Not even waiting for his eyes to fully adjust, Kanda reacted the only way he could think of.

He decked the person, _hard_.

"Ow! Geez, Yu…what was that for?"

Kanda blinked at the sound of Lavi's voice. Finally adjusted to the darkness, he looked down at the floor next to his bed to see Lavi pulling himself up, rubbing his abused cheek, pouting at Kanda. Kanda just glared back, forcing his breathing to calm. Kanda looked over to Allen's bed to see that the bean sprout was out like a light, Lavi's antics not having waked the boy. Turning his glare back at Lavi, Kanda practically hissed.

"What the hell, Lavi? Are you _trying _to get yourself killed?"

Lavi dropped his hand from his cheek and sat back down on the side of Kanda's bed, causing Kanda to unconsciously scoot away from the younger exorcist. Lavi frowned at Kanda's reaction, looking sadly at the Japanese boy.

"I'm not gonna hurt ya, Yu."

Kanda blinked at Lavi before glaring.

"Don't call me by my first name, you moron," Kanda bit out between clenched teeth, his voice barely a whisper, "Or _I_ am going to be the one hurting _you_."

Kanda nearly jumped when he felt a hand cover his own, immediately slapping the hand away.

"I thought I've told you to stop touching me…you and that stupid bean sprout."

Lavi let out a frustrated sigh as he looked pointedly at Kanda, his voice just as soft, not wanting to wake Allen.

"Allen's just worried about ya, Yu," Lavi said, ignoring the glare he received for using Kanda's first name yet again, "…and he has every right to be."

"Oh?" Kanda scoffed, "Well, I don't need him or _you_ worrying about…"

"I know you heard at least part of what Allen and I were talking about yesterday, Kanda," Lavi interrupted, his voice still quiet but just as serious as it was when he was talking with Allen the day before. Kanda just stared at Lavi, torn between beating the crap out of the red-head to get him to shut up or to just turning on his side and ignoring him.

He ended up doing neither.

"I think it's obvious to all of us that we _know_ what that Noah did to you," Lavi started, immediately seeing the fear and panic flash through Kanda's eyes before he was able to mask it with his usual anger.

"_Nothing happened_," Kanda growled, that suffocating feeling of panic rising up in him again before he was able to stop it, "And when I see that Noah again, he's as good as dead."

Lavi just looked at Kanda, pained before sighing and shaking his head.

"If nothing happened, Yu," Lavi said quietly, reaching up as if to cup Kanda's face, his thumb running under Kanda's eye, "then why are you crying?"

Kanda was too shocked by Lavi's actions to really register his words. Finally getting a hold of himself, he slapped Lavi's hand away. Glaring daggers at the younger exorcist, Kanda found himself about to retort…to lash out…when Lavi suddenly grabbed a hold of him firmly, making Kanda look at him.

"W-what the…let. go. NOW," Kanda bit out, ignoring the wetness on his cheeks and the sudden salty taste in his mouth.

"Kanda...please don't do this to yourself," Lavi practically pleaded, his hushed tone almost desperate, "I know all about your culture and your people…and how…ashamed you must feel right now…"

Kanda immediately knocked Lavi away from him, glaring daggers, using his anger and rage to cover up any other emotion he could possibly be feeling.

"You know _nothing_, Lavi" was the cold reply, "And it's going to stay that way."

Lavi just looked incredulously at Kanda, about to try and fix the damage he had done when he was interrupted.

"But we _do_ know something, Kanda, and that's not just going to change because you don't want us to know."

Kanda immediately stood up and turned to see Allen awake and sitting up on his bed, looking pointedly up at him. Eyes narrowing, Kanda glared down at the white-haired exorcist.

"_Nothing happened, dammit!"_ Kanda insisted, almost sounding like he was trying to convince himself more than convince the other two exorcists standing before him.

Both Allen and Lavi exchanged glances before Allen let out a sigh and pushed himself off his bed. Walking up to Kanda, Allen looked right into the older exorcist's face, his expression unreadable.

"It wasn't your fault, Kanda."

_SMACK_

Lavi's eye went wide as Allen's head snapped to the side at the force of Kanda's backhand. Allen, however, didn't even seem phased as he slowly turned to look at Kanda again, his expression unchanged.

"It wasn't your fault, Kanda," Allen repeated.

"I heard you the first time, bean sprout," Kanda hissed through his teeth.

"It wasn't your…"

"SHUT UP!" Kanda practically screamed.

Allen blinked at Kanda before smiling sadly.

"It's not a sin to cry, Kanda…nor is it a sin to lean on others when the burden is too much to bear," Allen said softly as he slowly reached out to take one of Kanda's hands. Kanda, for his part, was too emotionally drained to try and pull away. He simply continued to glare at Allen, not trusting his voice to say anymore than he had already said.

"You're not ready to talk about it," Allen continued, "And we're not asking you to. We just want you to know that as your comrades…as your friends, we're here for you. We won't judge you."

Kanda was enraged. How _dare_ Lavi insinuate that what happened had any effect on him. How _dare_ that stupid bean sprout think he _needed_ a fucking shoulder to cry on. How _dare_ he assume that he wasn't capable of handling this _on his own_.

Lost in his own thoughts, Kanda was completely oblivious of Allen pulling him slowly back to his bed. It wasn't until he felt the mattress beneath him that he snapped out of his daze and the panic returned, causing him to lash out with a growl. But upon receiving no resistance to his attacks, Kanda immediately stopped, eyes wide as he looked up at Allen's swelling face.

"Y-you didn't stop me."

Kanda almost flinched at how pathetic his voice sounded, for while Tyki Mikk had stolen a lot from him, he had not taken his pride…at least, not all of it. So Kanda just stared up at Allen, his eyes the only betraying factor to the shock, confusion and panic he was feeling.

Upon seeing the emotions in Kanda's eyes, Allen couldn't help the sad smile that once again spread across his face.

"No, I didn't," Allen replied softly. Sighing, he gently took Kanda's hand back into his own again, letting out an internal sigh of relief when Kanda didn't yank his hand away. "You needed to get that out. I don't fault you for that."

Kanda just looked up at Allen before eyeing Lavi, who was still just watching them with a worried expression. Tired of dealing with all of this, he yanked his hand out of Allen's grip and turned on his side, away from the other two. Doing his best to control in his raging emotions—and still ignoring the wetness on his cheeks—Kanda did his best to steady his voice as best he could.

"It's late and if we keep traveling at the slow pace we're going at, it's going to take us another week to make it back."

Allen let Kanda pull away, his expression pained. Letting out a sigh, he stood slowly, turning to head toward his bed, knowing he wouldn't get any further with Kanda tonight. Allen didn't even turn around as he lay down on his bed and stared at the wall. Sleep hit him faster than he expected, the last thought on his mind before sleep took him was his hope that Kanda would be ok.


	5. Chapter 5

Again, I responded to the signed reviews individually so I'm going to respond to the one anonymous review that I received:

icefallstears: Thank you so much for the compliment. Rape and the aftermath of it for the victim(s) is never an easy subject to talk about, let alone write about. And thanks for thinking I write the characters IN character. That's one of my biggest pet peeves: when characters are so OOC, it doesn't make sense. I'll try to keep them in character as much as possible...but my characterizations are greatly influenced by the role playing I do with my best friend. Well, sorry for rambling but thanks again for the review! XD

* * *

Lavi just watched as Allen made his way to his bed before turning his gaze back to Kanda's still form. This mission wasn't supposed to have been this complicated or this dangerous, and the fact that Kanda had gotten captured and…_tortured_… Lavi shook his head to clear his thoughts. Dwelling on this wouldn't help Kanda…or Allen.

As Kanda and Allen drifted back to sleep, Lavi simply stood and watched. After several minutes had passed and both Kanda's and Allen's breathing had evened out, Lavi slowly made his way over to Kanda's bed, kneeling once he reached the bedside. He gently placed one of his hands on Kanda's so as not to wake him, using his other hand to wipe away some stray tears from Kanda's eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Yu," Lavi whispered, his voice strained. "Had I been more careful, Allen and I wouldn't have needed you to protect us…you wouldn't have gotten hurt…and that Noah would…would never have touched you…"

Lavi hesitantly looked over to where Allen lay, hoping that the younger exorcist was asleep before turning back and looking sadly at Kanda's face. Moving the fingers that had wiped the tears away, Lavi brushed Kanda's bangs away from his forehead before leaning in and placing a chaste kiss on the soft skin there. Pulling back, Lavi couldn't help the bitter smile that graced his features.

After everything that had happened on the Ark, Lavi had realized that even though he was _supposed_ to be indifferent and detached from all of those in the Order, he knew he never could be. He couldn't deny the fact that although he was a Bookman, he was also human…the same as those he was recording. He couldn't just turn his emotions off. But he knew that he couldn't let anyone know that. Not Allen. Not Lenalee. Not the rest of the Order. Most definitely not Bookman. But most of all, he couldn't let Kanda know.

_Kanda._

He always knew he was attracted to beautiful women ever since he was old enough to know the difference between men and women. He had thought Lenalee attractive the moment he had met her—but was immediately discouraged from pursuing her the moment he met Komui. There were women he had met while out on missions whom he had had…relations with, but true to his Bookman heritage, he had never allowed them to become anything serious.

When he had first met Kanda, Lavi had simply thought of Kanda as a very interesting puzzle. Kanda was always so reserved and quiet, unless his temper flared. He was distant and cold, never letting anyone get close. Lavi knew that people like Kanda were people that didn't want to get close to anyone…and more often than not, had something to hide. Being curious as he was, Lavi had immediately wanted to know what made Kanda tick—why Kanda was the way he was.

He did his research concerning Kanda on the side of his usual Bookman duties so as not to draw Bookman's attention. He found out very little at first, which was beyond frustrating…but at the same time, made Lavi want to know even more. He ended up trying to befriend Kanda so he could find out a little bit more first-hand. Of course, Kanda had not taken well to that at first…but after time, Kanda seemed to learn to tolerate him. It was a start. Things developed very slowly from there, but Lavi began to learn things about Kanda that helped put the pieces of the puzzle together.

Somewhere along the line, Lavi realized he was falling for Kanda.

It scared him. He was the future Bookman, meant to take Bookman's place. He was meant to be an observer, no attachments, no emotions. There was no place in his life for _love_. He had tried to rid himself of the feeling, but soon learned that it was not possible. So instead, he had opted for hiding it. He had acted his way through all the other 'logs,' he could do it again.

Or so he kept telling himself.

It was hard at first, but he became rather good at it. He had become so good at just acting like friends with Kanda that he actually began to believe that he had gotten over his stupid crush on the Japanese boy.

This incident had proved him wrong.

Dead wrong.

As soon as the blast had cleared and Lavi realized Kanda was nowhere in sight, his heart had dropped. Allen had been frantic and Lavi knew that if he lost it, Allen would become even more hysterical. He had simply put up that Bookman mask of his and did his best to remain calm and collected while they searched the decimated city for any traces of the Japanese exorcist.

The minute they had found Kanda, Lavi knew something was wrong.

When Kanda jerked away from his touch, it only confirmed it.

Lavi had never felt so angry in his life. Angry at Allen for not having noticed the attack that Kanda ended up taking the brunt of. Angry at Kanda for being stupid enough to get in the way of that attack. Angry at the Noah for having the audacity to _do_ something like this, even if they _were_ enemies.

But most of all, he was angry at himself…for so many reasons he couldn't even count.

Lavi continued to run his fingers through Kanda's hair, allowing a single tear to fall as he gently squeezed the hand held in his own.

"Sleep, Yu," Lavi whispered, "You're safe…and I'll make sure you stay that way."


End file.
